This blog entry may seem to start off in a dark place, which it sort of does, actually, but I promise you there is light at the end!
As an Aspie, being bullied and picked on, year after year, for being ‘different’, I can tell you that one of the great problems of having too much time living in your own little world, along with an active (but seriously confused) mind, is that you tend to overthink things to the point of desperation at ever getting to grips with what people mean, what their real motives are, what they are trying to accomplish, how it impacts on you, why they are being so ‘horrible’, what do they hope to gain by being bullies?…. why?…. what for?….. how?…. etc., etc… ??
Until I discovered my true nature, I often felt defeated by people, angry and isolated, demeaned and belittled, and yet could find no way to reconcile these negative feelings with trying to be positive in my daily life and running my business, going to the shops, organising simple things…. and so on… I would find myself becoming judgemental about people very quickly – not those closest to me (I could normally understand their motives better), but people with whom I only had fleeting contact – the shop attendant who seemed brusque and rude to me, a person on the phone who didn’t seem to be listening to what I was saying, someone who had been arrogant or patronising in a comment on Facebook – things that I just couldn’t let go of in my mind – things that rankled with me, made me petulant and irritated, and therefore even less able to cope with the next apparent attack on me personally. This negativity was leading me, more and more, to become dissatisfied with myself, with who I was inside – the inner person with whom I was not having a functioning discourse because I didn’t understand what was going on in my brain…
I knew I wasn’t ‘getting anywhere’ as a person, just bumbling along with negativity becoming the norm for me, far too often. Yes, my health was poor, and yes I had some obvious social difficulties, but I always felt I should be able to rise above these things, at least to some degree, and find a positive way to live and get to know myself as a friend, not as a problem which was living inside my own body!
So when I realised, at 50 years old, that my own brain was wired in a way that was actually causing me my own misery, I started to consider how, in fact, I was responsible for how I felt about people, just as much as they were responsible for their own actions which were causing me a problem (sometimes only a perceived problem, but real enough to me at the time). I have written down some of my thoughts on the matter, just after the picture, but the picture encapsulates the essence of the message.
(Picture is Loch Assynt, North West Scottish Highlands, and was taken by me)
‘What other people say or do is very much their responsibility, but the way in which we react to the behaviour of others is entirely our responsibility. How we judge the actions of others has a direct effect on us as individuals, if we let it. So, while we have no control over other people, we do have control over ourselves and how we let our judgement of other people’s behaviour influence our thinking, emotions, actions and reactions. Be careful to establish your own solid principles and practices in life, and shape your mind with peace, positivity, kindness, compassion and understanding, so that when confronted with the actions of others you may deal with them sensitively, caringly and kindly. Be careful to not let yourself be angered, hurt, confused or diverted from the path of loving all of creation, including yourself. It is not helpful to be consumed with hate, anger, envy, despair, hurt, jealousy or any other negative emotion, because these things will only harm you.’
~ Gaius Quinterus
This is a subject we will come back to again – have no doubt about it, my friends!
PS: In my very first blog post (The ‘Awakening’) I give a bit of background about myself – partly setting the scene for the blog’s existence – you may find it interesting if you would like to know more HERE …